i realized
a little while earlier tonite
that
i
am
extremely
selfish
and
a
bitch.

i wanted to purge all the details of my life
and start over
but stopped myself,
for now anyway...

unschooling is extremely difficult
right now,
well,
parts of it are.
not the academic parts.

i have read as much as i possibly can
on the subject.
i am just not getting something.
unschooling is not easy.
and it's a totally selfless thing to do
and for someone who is a selfish bitch
well,
that may be a tall order...

maybe i'm exagerrating my current state
because
it's still.so.raw.
i don't know.
i do know
that
i just swore and yelled and freaked my kids out
and broke their trust in me.
i
suck
currently.
and it's not like i expect myself to be a super human,
but,
i do expect myself to be free and true and real and move from love
and
i'm not doing that.
selfishness isn't love.
i have three kids
who need me
to love them unconditionally
and see them as whole people
and you know what?
i don't have any idea how to do that
when i can't even see myself as whole first...